This is the second in a series of posts inspired by a week on retreat. You can read the first post, ‘The Gift of Kindness’ here.

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“Soft hands, soft mind, soft heart.” – Vidyamala Burch

We arrived on retreat with our baggage to unpack. We had our suitcases and holdalls of physical belongings. We also had the psychological and emotional unpacking that would likely arise during the spacious time we were giving our meditation practice. 

I noticed feelings of unease during the first day. Exploring this, I realised I had fixed and rigid expectations of what my practice would look like. It was all for good reason, but the ‘fix-it’ mentality, with expectations of an end point, was creating physical, mental and emotional tension. The retreat process is a curious thing. It is understandable to have ideas about what we think it will involve, based on our past experiences, our hopes, maybe our fears. I felt a sense of inner-friction between my fixation on expectations and my knowledge that such attempts at control were futile, not to mention apprehension of what might fall out of the suitcase if I opened it a little.

Surveying the morning. Soft, wintry light. Elegant tree silhouettes. A squirrel jumping. A line of moor hens heading for the pond. Birds welcoming the day with their song. A sense of stillness.

Perhaps we all have that scary moment of not knowing what luggage we’re about to unpack, or fearing the suitcase will suddenly spill its contents? The reality of my experience wasn’t scary at all; it was beautifully simple. Once I became aware of my expectations and the feelings of overwhelm that accompanied them, I was able to soften and let them go. There was an immediate shift in my state of being, a physical sigh of relief. Perhaps that is when I fully arrived.

‘Blowing bubbles’, breathing deeply without force or strain. A sense of play and fun. Freedom in the body, vibrant and alive. Connection with others as movement and breath energises the room. A lightness of touch.

I turned towards my breath, gently inhabiting my body as I allowed and embraced the natural flow of my experience. I got back to basics, fluidity, softening, surrendering to gravity. I noticed different things I was contracting against and I let go of unnecessary holding. This simplicity was supported by a variety of formal practices: the focus of body scans and breathing anchors, the open reflections of the loving-kindness meditations, the physicality of mindful movement and walking. At the end of each day we had a ‘just sitting’ practice. Perhaps the simplest of all, it was a revelation to me. We let go of all effort and allowed the day to assimilate, giving space for the thoughts and feelings that tend to arise the moment you stop and try to go to sleep. We were planting seeds with no expectations of feeling a certain way or achieving a particular outcome. 

“Soften, soften, soften.” – Vidyamala Burch

With love and thanks to all on the retreat, my buddies and everyone at Breathworks.

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, lightly my dear.”

~ Aldous Huxley, Island.