“It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.” 

Those words jumped out at me from an interview I was listening to online.  They resonated so deeply, I’ve found myself thinking about them again and again.  There is such truth, wisdom and emotional depth in that one simple statement.   Let me set the context.

The talk was with Vidyamala Burch.  She co-founded Breathworks, an organisation that teaches mindfulness, drawing upon her personal experience of living with chronic pain.  Vidyamala’s work comes across with such warmth, compassion and understanding, it always inspires me.  The interview was part of ‘Fibromyalgia Summit 2016 – Healing from within,’ a condition that causes widespread chronic pain.  How can mindfulness help with the management of pain?  It can differentiate between what Vidyamala describes as ‘primary suffering’ (the unpleasant sensation in the body) and ‘secondary suffering’ (the physical, mental and emotional experiences that come about as a consequence to the primary suffering – a resistance to the initial unpleasant sensation in the body).  Through the practice of mindfulness you can learn to decrease the secondary layer, thereby reducing the overall level of suffering.  As Vidyamala said, mindfulness doesn’t distinguish between types of pain or different conditions.  It simply helps you to be with whatever is there.

“It’s not your fault.”

The conversation progressed to the feelings of shame and guilt that so often accompany the experience of chronic illness and disability.  It touched a nerve.  An inner story I uncovered during CBT sessions was that I believed my illness was a failing of mine.  I was learning to tune into my inner voice, the dialogue we all have but so often tuck away, and I was shocked by what I heard.  I caught myself saying things I would never have said to anyone else in my situation.  “It’s my fault.”  “If I am ill, I am a failure.”  “I should be able to get better (and it’s my fault if I can’t).”  It’s no surprise talking to myself in this way increased my suffering.  When a therapist gently said “it’s not your fault,” I felt choked up.  My chest felt heavy.  My throat felt tight.  My eyes pooled with tears.  The weight of my emotional response made me realise just how much I had believed my inner voice.  Identifying this voice was crucial in learning to be kinder to myself, something I continue to practice to this day.  “It’s not my fault,” became my new mantra.

“But it is your responsibility.”            

The statement didn’t end there.  It would be easy to think that if it’s not my fault then there’s nothing I can do about it, but this would be an unhelpful trap to fall into.  I’ve always felt responsible for managing my condition.  Perhaps that sense of responsibility was heightened by the inner belief that it was my fault.  However, unlike apportioning blame, assuming responsibility has been both helpful and empowering.  It has been the driving force that has made me proactive in self-management, an Expert Patient as health professionals often call it.  For me, taking responsibility means a number of things.  It means continuing to learn about and understand my condition.  It means working as a team with medical professionals and contributing to decisions about my care.  It means building and maintaining my toolbox of techniques to help manage my symptoms.  It means looking after my overall health and well-being through good nutrition, exercise, relaxation and sleep.  It means taking ownership of the situation, seeing my illness for what it is and not using it as an excuse.  Ultimately, taking responsibility means that I am in charge of my health and my happiness.

I used to view acceptance as a final destination point.  I now understand it’s an ongoing process and one that is vital for my well-being and the continued management of my medical needs.

It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.